Playing An Instrument
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Based on the following exercise:
Make a list that says something about your characters. It could be a shopping list or an advice list (see “Scrambling” and “Girl” links below in the Readings section) or like the shopping list it can be things that signify (“Get Doritos for my stoner boyfriend,” “Pick up gauze pads for that nasty cut you gave me,” etc.) character and personality like in Tim O’Brien’s “Things They Carried” (link below in the Readings section). Make your list tell us something about the person compiling the list and the people the things are for (including themselves).
Playing An Instrument
Insecurity makes thoughts paranoid and heightens jealousy; use to evaluate alternative options but correct for cognitive biases otherwise. Joy makes me outgoing and fun, but brings my guard down and makes me easy to trick. Don't bother correcting for the bias, just cut out toxic people. Fear it depends. Fear while insecure, I run; fear while secure, I fight. Of course, this applies to cognitive situations, I've never been in a fight, I'd probably loose. Sadness causes avoidance of social interactions, but trivial to correct for in the moment -- force the interaction, it will improve the mood. Depression is virtually impossible to correct for; avoid at all costs. Note: when thoughts of suicide get really bad, tell yourself "death is inevitable, I deserve to suffer," always does the trick. Its a mental loophole, curious about other ones. Note: therapist does not approve of this, avoid bringing it up.
Alcohol boosts confidence and willingness to fail. Low usage helps with physical coordination, high usage hurts. Take one shot before a game to play better; do not take two shots. Caffeine calms down thoughts in small doses, makes me jittery and frantic in high doses. Attempt to minimize usage to maximize effectiveness; tolerance to calmness but not to jittery effects. Weed slows down cognition speed and increases reactivity to external stimulus. Followup: also appears to drastically affect agreeability and reduces ability to dissent. Two hours is not enough time to come down from being high to do well on an interview; too difficult to compensate for biases even with caffeine. Shrooms completely eliminate insecurity; extreme love for everything and everyone, including myself. Note: appears once an emotional state is known, I am able to more effectively measure it. I had no idea that is what being completely secure felt like! Note: try more drugs to identify new emotional states.
Exercise stabilizes mood, use to reduce bouncing around emotionally. Does not work to reduce sadness, but works wonders on anxiety and frustration. Practicing mindfulness helps with stress, but does not work on frustration. Going on a walk helps with feeling overwhelmed. Lack of sleep increases bitterness, and is tricky to compensate for. Extreme lack of sleep causes anger, borderline fury, at trivial inconveniences; not worth experimenting more with. Avoiding all social interaction causes lunacy far quicker than expected, one day has me talking to myself. Note: effects do not seem to change at longer durations, however after one week I found myself reluctant to socialize again. Note: therapist attempted to be supportive but is clearly concerned.
The nature of the relationship affects emotions. Family members heighten insecurity, bitterness and frustration; exhausting to correct for, just accept it. Friends increase security, but in large social situations can reduce ability, or perhaps just desire, to be outgoing. Romantic interests have outsized effect on emotions. It is not worth dating someone who causes insecurity no matter how pretty they are; it appears impossible to correct for biases introduced. Note: fondness for a relationship after-the-fact is decoupled from emotions felt during it. Note: romantic interests reduce ability to follow findings.